Blog
So long but finally
After such a long time I am finally writing again. I guess 3 years is not so long to begin to gain equilibrium after the loss of someone very close.
After James died, it was possible to function but not actually flourish or feel properly. I did a lot of things, travelling, exhibitions but I didn’t really feel any of them. I was operating on a very basic level of surviving, responding, doing but really not coming from a place of feeling.
So above is memory of James and under it a recent visit to 1066 cafe. The blossom is on the trees, sun shining, and I sat having brunch in the sunlight surrounded by one of my tribes, the biker people. Men and women who ride motorbikes.
I am alive, the world is still turning, I am out of therapy, I’ve travelled thousands of miles since that awful day and I have born my grief the best I can. I have new friends, deeper relationships with the long standing ones, I am living. And finally I’m writing again. Working on a memoir with the emphasis on biking. Meeting some writers once a week, being nudged along by a teacher.
Most importantly I am feeling again, not powered by anger or sadness of loss. Of course it is always there but mostly my life has expanded so that it is vibrant and the loss is less so.
On we go.
Remembering James
What a shock to me to everyone who knew him. James died on the 16th May 2021 and he will be missed firstly by me but also by all the people whose lives he touched.
James and one of his favourite clocks
James rode a motorbike, we rode together, me in the lead, James covering my back. We rode thousands of miles together. Through France to Spain and then on to Portugal. Through Spain to the Pyrenees up mountains and down again, in and out of small villages, getting lost, getting found again, having accidents, always enjoying ourselves. We sat beside rivers eating sandwiches and drinking strong coffee, we wandered through markets, we sat in empty churches and wondered at the peace. We swam and loitered on beaches. We did a lot of things together.
For a couple of years we lived in Thailand and travelled to Burma so that we could see the country after the release of Aung Sang Su Chi. It was a magical time in Burma, everyone so optimistic about the future. We rode around on old motorbikes and met so many hospitable people and saw wondrous sights. Now Burma is going through horrific violence from an oppressive regime. James tweeted and shouted about the current situation, he passionately believed in human rights and made his voice heard, he did not hold back.
He was a journalist for over 2 decades for the Guardian, chief sub editor, a stressful job which either made you an alcoholic or drove you to a breakdown. Those of you who know James know which of those applies. He freely admitted that he was not a nice man to work with when he was drinking. He did respect one particular person, Peter Preston, who was his boss while he worked there, James was very sad to hear that he died. he felt the world had lost a great man.
The man I knew was gentle, a gentleman, a man who was careful and liked his routines. I didn’t know James much before he got himself a motorbike.
I miss him, of course I do, 21 years of knowing somebody is difficult to forget but the grief is not so raw now.
Here are a bunch of pictures to remember him by. Hover over the picture for the caption.
The last photo was the first trip we took together when I dropped my bike and James put his back out picking it up. Sort of sums it up.
He deserves to be remembered and I hope you will, with affection.
Back to Writing
This has been a long break from my blog. A loss of belief in my computer started it and, as with everything I do, it is too easy to stay away from something which takes effort.
In my defense, my computer did have a power problem which caused it to shut down at the most awkward moments, eventually it went to be mended and now is working perfectly. What remained with me was the mistrust. Would it turn on this time? Would it keep going? How long did I have until it shut down again? That stayed with me for a long while after it was back and working.
So, what have I been doing photographically in this third lockdown. Finally getting my head around composites.
The net huts with a few add-ons
I am trying to use only my own photographs to make these mix and matches so the progress has been slow. I also have discovered that my selection skills are not brilliant so I’ve watched a lot of tutorials to try and get better. I have and still am learning about selecting, cutting out, moving and fine tuning the selection so that it matches, colour wise, the original image.
A Thai fishing boat, an English sea, recoloured, a strange sky and some strange contraption in the sky
The tutorials that have helped have been Glyn Dewis, find him on YouTube or his own website. He also has a great tutorial on Kelbyone which has helped a lot. Also Dave Cross has a website with tutorials and I found him at Adobe Max. Julienne Kost on Adobe Photoshop tutorials on YouTube provided the final information for me.
Practice is the best teacher, finding the method that works best for me. There are myriad ways to select and loads of ways to blend the object or objects into the background. It takes time, and can be frustrating but very satisfying to achieve a look that appears to be real, however unreal that may actually be.
foxes on the pier
This last I have up in my window as part of Anthony Gormley’s country wide arts project, The Great Big Art Exhibition. Digitally it is hosted by First Site, and you can go and see all the participant’s artwork there.
The idea is that, in lockdown, we turn the whole country into a public art exhibition. Sculptures, paintings, photographs, lithographs, whatever your method, either in a window or out in the garden, on a wall or wherever you want to put them, so the everyone can see them. The first theme was animals, hence my foxes. The next is portraits. Have a look it is a great idea, IMHO.
Thanks for reading.
Some Good News
If you don’t like motorbikes exit now
That’s me looking startled on my new bike
I’ve been riding motorbikes since I gave up any ambitions to become a prima ballerina.
My first was a Yamaha 100, a fizzy. It sounded like a seriously wounded sewing machine and didn't have the power to make it past a London bus. My second was a Virago, 535. The poor woman’s Harley. Loads of chrome to polish and no noise but it went. I must have got lucky with the one I bought because it was still cruising at 100mph 10 years later. I travelled around Europe on the Virago and it only let me down once. I pushed it round mountains despite the long wheel base.
Next the Honda Hornet.
This is my second hornet
I nearly fell off when I put it in gear because it jumped forward so quickly. I loved it, a hooligan bike that went fast. All around France, up and down mountains, screaming through London traffic. Short wheel base I thought it was the best bike ever.
Next Honda CB1000 F. Big, heavy and, now that I can be honest, too heavy for me or for parking in London. Still it cruised well, Europe again, France, Spain. One trip from the top of Spain all the way down to the south and back up again because it was too hot. Beautiful on the long winding curves of the Spanish roads but not so good on small country English ones.
A gap when my partner and I travelled and lived in Asia over two years.
In Puducherry southern India
Not the best quality picture, here as proof that I rode a bike in Mandalay, Burma.
The shock of the weight of my Honda after riding little scooters around Thailand and Burma was so great that it put me off the bike. I had also broken my ankle in Thailand and lost confidence in putting weight on it so the two things combined to make my decision to sell the big bike.
Back in England I managed to get an old hornet and had to relearn to ride because my confidence was so low. The bike was a 2002 version with very low mileage on it (see the pic above) and it took me around the Pyrenees, down into Spain and up and down the hills of Hastings, where I now live.
Finally, the need for a bike that had a petrol gauge on it and a few digital helpers finds me sitting on the Triumph speed twin. Wonderful, low slung, feet could touch the ground and the sound. Plus 200cc extra engine power. A red motorbike and a noise that told car drivers I was behind them. Perfect. I am a happy biker again.
A heads up, I will be having a print sale in January. I will also have cards for sale.
July into August and Coming Out of Isolation
I am confused. I can go to the pub but not the theatre. I can have my hair done but not go to a concert. The dentists have endless waiting lists and only some cafes are reopening. The list goes on.
I carry on with my editing and am now going out a little more but I’m still wary of the numbers coming out, not sure whether they are accurate or not. I’m pretty sure, from the conflicting numbers from different sources, that the statistics coming out of the government are misleading. We can travel but not to Portugal. While we have the highest infection numbers in Europe.
Back to the editing because the news is so confusing.
June Isolation
Editing
June has been a fluctuating month, mood wise and energy levels. I have had to go out less, which suits me given the current fears I have about the chaos of unlocking. I am never sure what M.E. is going to throw at me and this month it has been particularly erratic but very debilitating. So when I have had some energy, not often enough, I have been editing.
I went back to my photos of Burma, and the three times we visited while we were living in Thailand. The following pictures are of the Shwedagon Paya we visited several times. I remember the feeling of absolute calm that came over me when I walked onto the marble floor. The awe at the size and intricacy of the shrines and temples. I can still feel that sense of awe. The first time we saw monks and nuns and Burmese pilgrims and a spattering of tourists. The country was just opening up after the release of Aung Sang Su Chi. Feelings were optimistic and western countries were sounding hopeful for investment.
Shwedagon gold
Now, with the story of the Rohingya and their dash for Bangladesh the country has the stain of genocide on it’s reputation. I wholeheartedly condemn the actions of the military and the subsequent silence from Aung Sang Su Chi. I hope that some of the population also condemn their horrific actions. As I have not been back since I do not know what the story is on the ground. I do know that in countries like Burma the general population do not know what is going on. The few fearless journalists who investigated were jailed for speaking out so we know that, at least, some did not swallow the propaganda wholesale.
this image ©Paula Bronstein exhibited at Visa pour l’image Perpignan 2017
title - The Unwanted - The Rohingya
http://www.paulaphoto.com for more of her extraordinary work
Shwedagon is a beautiful place and I can only hope that the spirituality that I felt there will one day come to the fore and that the military will have to face up to their cruel and barbarous actions. And I also hope that Aung Sang Su Chi will find the courage to condemn them for what they did. Unlikely right now but who knows what might happen next. Meanwhile take a look at this incredible place.
figures who represent the dark aspects of the human psyche
raining but still peaceful in Shwedagon
It takes an hour minimum to walk around the paya
the central stupa which is said to hold the 8 hairs of the Buddha.
. As in many countries across the world, the Burmese are hospitable welcoming people. For the most part, the atrocities were committed by the military. I remember when we were leaving on one of our trips, the traffic ground to a halt and we waited in the sweltering humid heat for 20 minutes so that one of the general’s convoy could cross the road we were travelling on.
The following are a few other shots from Burma, people, women and children. Most of the people are very poor, a poverty that we couldn’t comprehend.
smoking her cheroot while waiting for customers to buy her produce.
These nuts were being sorted, he was trying to help.
Young nuns asking for food in the market
So a journey through some of my memories. Editing and making better. Even if I have ME I can still travel in my mind.
Thank you for reading
April to May Isolation
A flower moon, this May my first attempt and success at taking a shot of the moon. A slow shutter and tripod were the trick to getting it even though my lens is only 200mm.
I have to thank Scott Kelby as I have done two live streamed workshops with him and various other instructors. In the first workshop he talked about practicing not playing at photography. The truth is that I do play a lot and practice little because I thought I’d got as good as I was going to get. Slow shutter speeds with a tripod were a struggle, carrying the tripod is awkward and there are the issues of people tripping over it, me tripping over it and as ever the ME limits me energy-wise.
Lockdown has meant more experimenting at home, and practice, using the heavy tripod because I don’t have to carry it far, one room to another room at most. I do have a light tripod for travelling, (remember that).
The Lightroom streamed course has had me practicing new skills and remembered actions which have taken me back to photographs from Burma. This next shot has been improved a lot by using the skills from the course.
Schwedagon Paya, Yangon (Rangoon)
These courses would not have been available at the very reasonable prices they were unless we were locked down. This and all the amazing art and theatre that has been made available are, for me, the silver lining to the very black cloud of Covid 19.
The other plus for me, as an ME sufferer, is that I feel no pressure to go out and join in. I am now aware how much I have put on myself to try to be normal, to act as if I was still okay. I have a chronic illness and it takes me out of society a lot, but I believe I have been making it worse by pushing myself to try and act as if it’s not so bad. Now I am focussing on what I can do and when I feel well enough to do it. The result is that I am making better photos when I am working as I can focus properly because I have the energy to focus.
So, a few photos taken when my partner and I were out on our exercise walks.
ChristChurch
Though the trees
and now the flower moon
Nothing more to say, the images speak for themselves. Thank you for reading.
Creative in Isolation
Beautiful, colour and texture
I am not always good at doing stuff when I am stuck at home with ME, but in this period of isolation I have enjoyed a burst of energy with the photography.
Some of what I am feeling is a sense that everyone else is in the same situation, then I feel guilty because we wouldn’t be here if it weren't for a pandemic which is causing severe illness and death. Guilt is not helpful, I move on to gratitude for the small things.
I asked a very kind person who has been doing some shopping for us to get me some flowers. There were only two varieties, tulips or peonies. I opted for the peonies.
Below are a few of the pictures I have taken.
The end, or the beginning of the end of the glorious peony show. What an amazing week they have given us. I hope you have enjoyed them as much as I have.
Still Isolation
learning how to go out
This is a new thing but not a new thing. Living with ME I do spend quite a lot of time at home. But when I want to go out it is not a problem, I just go out.
Now, as my partner is at high risk, going out has become complicated. Don’t touch the bannisters, wipe the front door knob and the latch, use the tissue to open the door, same with number two door and remember not to push it shut with our elbows because we’ll have to wash clothes when we get back.
Outside, breathing in fresh air, wonderful, breathing in fresh air again, even more wonderful. Shiver because it’s colder than I thought, outside after the high temperature of the flat. Okay, now walk. Over the road, no cars on the move, into the park. It’s empty, no people, just an abandoned toddler’s bike.
little bike
abandoned
Plastic, left to do what plastic doesn’t do, rot.
People appear, two of them, veer to the left, smile under the scarf, ‘can they see I’m smiling?’ carry on and hope they saw the crinkling round my eyes. And round we go, twice today, maybe three times tomorrow.
Back to the front door, all spraying and wiping in reverse. Up the stairs, don’t touch the bannisters. Home.
Book ten awaits. Laptop awaits. Youtube with all it’s cooking to keep happy videos, I don’t really cook. Photo editing sits shouting at me. ‘Edit me’. I ignore the shout. Sit down, safe, intrepid adventure over.
Living in ‘isolation’
Now officially in isolation. I have watched two tutorials, read three books, talked on the phone a lot and gazed out the window.
The world as we know it has changed and suddenly the devices that I scorned are so important to me. I go straight to Twitter to find out who is doing what wrong today and for the occasional laugh out loud moment.
The dogs who sing along to the ‘law and order’ theme tune had me belly laughing. I would never have watched that last week.
My tutorials are getting my full attention and I am actually learning, which is good. My photoshop skills are on a steep upward curve.
thundering under the pier edited in photoshop yesterday
time seems to have slowed down.
then it speeds up
tic - toc
tictoctictoctictoc
I am saddened and frightened by the panic buying. My partner and I are in the ‘at risk’ group and we cannot get a delivery from our big supermarket. All booked up for three weeks. Friends have offered to go shopping for us so we will now have to take them up on their offer. I am also going to shop in the small shops who deliver. I’m heartened by the number of places popping up on instagram who have had to close so are delivering food in order to stay in business. I will happily order food from them.
The big supermarkets are not on top of this. Probably because, like me, they didn’t think their shoppers would be so me, me, me orientated. A billion pounds of food ordered in the last two weeks. That should last them, shouldn’t it?
or buy some of these
Personal thoughts on Covid 19
A moment of panic, I woke with a sore throat and a slight temperature.
First thought. This is it, I’ve got it and I’m going to give it to my partner who has bad COPD.
Second thought. I won’t tell anyone and it will go away.
Third thought. (after a confession and a chat), I remembered I had been out, taking photos on Tuesday, in a howling gale. I’m prone to chills and this is probably a chill.
Tuesday
Fourth thought. Take paracetamol stay warm and it’ll be gone by next week. Panic over
Sea and Sky
Storm Approaching
A new blog and a classic image. This is where I live now. Where I can breathe. Looking out over the sea I have space.